Self-Compassion

The word compassion has become commonplace in our everyday speech, that we often forget to question what the word even means.  Rarely, do we stop to think about the origin of the word, and now we are using it.  We understand compassion to mean extending some level of emotional understanding or empathy towards the Other.  And for many, compassion stops at understanding-- rarely given the light of acknowledgement or even affirmation.  Yet, compassion extends far beyond this understanding and meaning.  In using and understanding compassion from this perspective, we miss out on actually extending compassion to both others, and ourselves.  Which is why, I wish to share a different perspective on the word-- and how we might rethink and reshape our relationship to compassion.  

Compassion is defined as a sympathetic pity or concern for the suffering and misfortunes of others.  This definition holds with some minor variation across all dictionaries.  This can be a helpful guide as to what compassion might feel like at times-- it feels inactive and unmotivational.  Compassion in this sense appears to be passive and not an emotion that generates movement on the part of the self or Other.  Which strikes me as odd for a word that contains the root word passion in it.  When one thinks of passion or being passionate, one can’t help but think of being pulled or called to action.  That doesn’t mean that passion always needs to move a person to change their situation, or make big gestures.  Yet, it would suggest that there is a need for direction and intention springing forth from one’s passion or compassion. And we can find this in the etymology of the word itself.  

Breaking down compassion, we find the prefix com, meaning with.  Passion finds its origin in the Latin word patiens, which means to suffer.  Passion and to have passion, or to be passionate, this means to suffer.  Compassion by extension, this means to suffer with.  Patiens is also the foundation for the word  patience, meaning suffering.  Patient simultaneously means one who suffers.  We can see that the core essence for all of these words is suffering.  Suffering being the base for this family of terms, reframes the usage of compassion and our language around passion in general.  

With an understanding that suffering is at the core of the word passion-- we can recontextualize how we think of compassion in our lives.  As a therapist, compassion is a key feature in my work.  Whether that means I extend compassion to others in or outside of session, or toward myself.  Compassion will look different depending on the context.  But in the case of compassion towards others, I try and stay with the emotions they are feeling, and to sit in the suffering with them-- as opposed to letting them suffer in silence, or suffer alone.  Self-compassion by extension, for myself, means to allow myself to feel what I am feeling, and to validate those feelings as normal and okay.  Just in the same way I would do in session with a patient.  Compassion does not mean to step in, or take away someone’s pain, or to fix their problems for them.  No, compassion, I believe, means to let go and embrace the hardship, while moving through the pain and suffering.  Both compassion and self-compassion are not techniques to push us through what we are struggling with.  They are ways-of-Being that help us to attend to our emotions and nature-- and to bring levity where there is great heaviness.  To be self-compassionate, is to attune to one’s self and one’s needs, without pushing away or silencing our feelings.  Self-compassion gives voice to the feelings.