Suicide

Suicide is by far, one of the most emotionally charged and upsetting topics for discussion.  That is, if it is even discussed openly at all.  A tremendous amount of silence hovers around suicide, and often blankets any discussio from hapening.  Many people wish not to speak about sicide, and many are left feeling as though they cannot engage with others in dialouge about their own personal struggles with suicide and suicidal ideation.  So much shame, guilt, and judgement is cast over those who commit, or harbor any thoughts of feelings about suicide-- leaving said individuals to suffer alone in silence-- further compounding some of the mental health issues and feelings that contribute to suicidality in the first place.  

My aim here is to open up a conversation around what is primarily a taboo subject within most sectors of modern life in our culture.  Much of the silence and taboo air around sucide stems from the painfulness and discomfort it arouses in people.  While there are a host of other reasons from religious to political-- I believe it is the intensely personal and intimate qualities of said subject matter that strike at the core of one’s own mortality and the transience of existence.  Knowing that one will one day die, and that one can take this life into their own hands-- is both a powerful and anxiety-inducing sensation.  The need to facilitate, rather than shut down conversations around sucide is needed now, more than ever.  Bringing suicide into the discourse can help to educate both ourselves and others, on a phenemon that impacts so many individuals of all ages.  

More than anything else though, I wish to shine a light on some of the different reasons and the variety of meaning sucide can hold for a person.  In this, my hope is to instill and engender compassion and understanding around this sensitive subject.  The aim is not to condone or grow complicit with suicidality and the taking of one’s own life.  Rather, it is to open our hearts to those who are suffering and in need.  If we can listen with a compassionate ear, we might be able to hear how someone might be suffering, and why they might wish to take their own life.  And if we can truly listen,  rather than silence them-- they might feel heard, seen, or understood.  And they might find the hope and meaning to carry on and move forward with their lives.  

I bring both personal and clinical experience here.  I am not going to share intimate details or any information regarding myself or any of my patients.  What is shared here, are my feelings and thoughts on the matter based upon said experience.  I’m merely speaking from the heart, and with an intention of thoughtfulness and care around a matter that is near and dear to me.  In closing, I will share some resources for dealing with or holding space for someone who is experiencing suicidal thoughts or feelings.  That said, no one should ever go into these conversations completely unprepared or alone.  This article should not be used as an authority on how to talk someone out of suciide.  If you or a loved one are struggling with suicidal thoughts or feelings, please reach out to a therapist or a qualified mental health professional.  Or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.  

Disclaimer:  None of what is written about here in this blog, should be used as advice on how to handle or deal with an individual who is experiencing suicidal thoughts or feelings.  Please do not take matters into your own hands if a mental health professional can be called upon.  In the case of an emergency, please refer to the resources at the end of the article.  

Why Talk About It?  

Before even discussing why someone might want to kill themselves-- it’s important to understand why we must open up more dialogue around this subject.  It’s surprisingly not a complex answer for once.  Sucide has grown in its impact over the last two decades, and is no longer an outlier amongst any community.  While I don’t wish to get bogged down in statistics-- is important to note and acknowledge that just in the year 2019, over 47,000 deaths were attributed to suicide.  That number has more than doubled over the last decade, and is continuing to trend upwards.  Death by sucide is the second leading cause of death amongst individuals between the ages of 10 and 34, and the fourth leading cause of death amongst individuals between the ages of 35 and 44.  More and more, older men over the age of 65 are also becoming one of the groups most impacted by death by sucide, alongside teenagers.  And it is important to note, that these numbers only reflect cases that are discernibly death by sucide.  Many cases go unreported or the cause of death by sucide is unable to be accurately determined.  While these numbers come from the National Institute of Mental Health, they are only a snapshot of the enormity of the phenomenon.  If we expand our past death by suicide, we can see even higher numbers for cases of suicide attempts.  Yet, it is impossible to truly know the answer to these questions or statistics, for there is so much silence and shame around the topic of sucide.  

These statistics come from data and research done here in the United States-- thus, we can see the impact and relevance of having a dialogue in this country.  But it is not just a problem for us here in the United States.  No, suicde is a phenomenon that touches all peoples, regardless of the community or background they find themselves in.  No one is truly exempt from suicidal thoughts or feelings.  And I would care to wager that everyone has had the thought at least once in their life-- the severity, or sincerity however, is relative to the individual’s experience.  Every person alive must live with the knowledge that they someday will die-- mortality is not a concept of luxury, it’s something we all must face at one point in our lives.  And all of us have our own traumas and wounds that we carry throughout our lives.  Suffering is an inevitable and inescapable fact of our existence.  And great pain can lead us to dark places.  Often these dark places are isolating and annihilating.  If we stay in these dark places alone for too long, we run the risk of losing all hope, and no longer finding any reason to continue on with existence.  Isolation and trauma are a deadly combination that can push a person to the edge.  And without a compassionate ear or hand, how can one ever hope to find meaning or move forward?  

Talking about suicide is not a pleasant experience by no means.  In my experience working on a crisis and suicide hotline, I found the importance and meaning in sitting with those in great suffering.  Many of the callers were unable to speak to their family members or friends about their thoughts of suicide, for fear of judgement or reprimand.  This silence only further exacerbated their feelings, and amplified their suffering.  If we don’t talk about suicide, we only make the problem we wish to pretend not there, worse.  Suicide is not an issue that can be believed away.  Sitting with individuals experiencing suicidal ideation and feelings, I saw the significance of having someone listen to them and their pain.  If a person can feel heard and seen, rather than dismissed, they might be able to find the strength to pick up the pieces and find meaning and hope in life.  But, no one can do this alone.  We need another person who is willing to listen to us, and hold space and care for us, in order to move through our hopelessness into a place of hope.  Just as with trauma, silence only deepens the pain of suicidality or suicide.  Yet, creating a safe and nurturing space to discuss one’s feelings, is healing.  

Why Think About It?  

As with most aspects of life, there are many reasons why one might think about killing themselves, or feel as though they want to.  Whether it’s acute or prolonged trauma exposure, or intense grief from a loss-- suicidal ideation comes in many shapes and sizes.  Thoughts might arise from the constant pressure one is under in their work, home life, family life, or academics.  Suicidal thoughts and feelings might emerge when someone is in the throes of shame, feeling as though they have disappointed or let someone or himself down in some way.  An individual might feel guilty for a mistake they made, or a wrong they may have committed.  These thoughts of reeling in some of these cases, might be a defense or a distraction against the underlying problems that the individual continues to find themselves stuk in.  An individual locked in a toxic and abusive relationship, might see suicide as their only way out-- especially if the abuse has been prolonged, and escape seems more dangerous, if not futile.  

Others may experience suicidal thoughts and feelings, as a byproduct of their mental health struggle.  Suicidal ideation is often comorbid with different mental health diagnosis, and is often a symptom of conditions such as depression.  Though, suicidality might be a sign of an underlying issue, such as depression-- suicidality is rarely the issue itself manifest.  Suicide in these cases often is an expression of ones pain and hopelessness, and can serve as a means to desperately reach out for connection and help.  Suicidal ideation can also be a side-effect of psychiatric medications, and is less pointing to a deper issue, and more a risk factor associated with the medication in question.  There may not be a sense to this expression of suicidal ideation, but it still warrants the same level of attention and care as any other form.  Suicidal ideation and suicidal feelings are contextual, and must be understood within a person’s given circumstances and situation.  

Moving Towards a Deeper Understanding

Setting aside the myriad of reasons why one might think about killing themselves.  We can shed light on the deeper meaning and appeal to suicide  through a lens of compassion.  For the person who is suffering greatly from a chronic illness, a chronic pain condition, a great loss, or a terminal illness-- suice might seem like the only way out.  The pain incurred from any of these circumstances is tremendous, and potentially too great of a burden for one person to bear.  The terminally ill patient may wish to die with dignity, while the individual with a degenerative condition such as ALS, might find suicde as a preferable way to end one’s life.  I myself considered and struggled with suicidal ideation in the face of the reality that I will eventually, one day, be completely robbed of all my eyesight.  Total blindness was for a time, a terrifying reality, and not the way I desired to live my life.  Suicide in this case, was an exit, a way out of the suffering and pain.  Sometimes, one can only see the way forward, as ending it together.  Other times, we just have no idea on how to move forward, and cannot imagine a future at all.  Desperation gives way to ultimate despair-- and without a horizon, life has no purpose or meaning.  Whether we cannot see a future for ourselves, or the present is unbearable, or the past too shameful to bear-- suicide is an attempt to remedy this pain.  And while this does not hold for all cases-- it is often a permanent  solution to a temporary problem. 

In the cases when it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem-- we find that the individual is at a loss for how to move forward, and is asking for help in the only way they know how.  We can see this manifest via self-harming behaviors as well.  Self-harming is also treated with dismissal and harsh judgement.  Yet, we can extend compassion towards these individuals as well to understand why they might be self-harming.  The question that I believe can help shed light on this-- is it that you no longer wish to live, or is that you wish to die?  Someone who no longer wishes to live might be self-harming out of despair  over having no perceived future worth living, or out of meaninglessness of existence.  While the one who wishes to die, might be attempting to alleviate completely the pain that they experience on a regular basis.  The one wishing not to live, may feel as though living is a futile and nihilistic endeavor.  Whereas, the individual who self-harms because they wish to die, might be in great physical pain, and merely wants it to stop.  Self-harming can be a distraction from the physical pain-- a strategy for numbing one’s self.  Or it can be a way to feel something, when one is already numb.  Both self-harming and suicidal ideation, can in this way, be seen as attempts to cope with one’s current situation and present pain.  Some people may even be unable to control and regulate their own emotions.  Establishing control through self-harming or threat to one’s self, can be a bid for that control in the face of said powerlessness.  

It’s important to understand that both self-harming and sucide are not selfish acts or behaviors.  They are self-focused, but they are not selfish.  One might indulge in the act of thinking about suicide as a means of retaining one’s own agency or power over their status or way in life.  Suicidal thoughts might bring comfort to those who bear great physical pain on a daily basis.  It might bring relief to those who see no better days ahead.  All this is to say, that people who are engaging in self-harming or thinking about killing themselves-- they are not selfish, or people to be shamed for what they are going through.  I do acknowledge that it feels like someone is abandoning us, when they do complete suicide.  I do not wish to diminish the pain of those left in the wake of someone who has killed themselves-- for that is a great pain too.  I merely wish to put forth a different perspective on why someone might take, or think about taking this path.  If we can find it with ourselves to understand, we might be able to reach said person, and prevent the worst from coming to pass.  

Making Way for Hope and Healing

How then might we hold space for someone in the throws of great pain or darkness?  The short answer to this question is to not deny, dismiss, or outright silence the pain that the individual is experiencing.  Acknowledgement and affirmation goes a long way-- and is not an easy endeavor, especially in this particular subject matter.  By affirmation, I do not mean to affirm a person’s wish to harm or kill themselves, but merely to understand what they are going through and affirming the pain itself.  If we truly wish to help an individual survive the dark night of the soul, we must stay with them and not push them.  Compassion is key here.  We must understand that and attempt to relate to the real human phenomenon occurring here.  If we can tap into our own empathy, we might also stand a chance of breaking through to the other person.  Above all else, listen with intention and open and understanding ears.  Letting the person know that we care, and offering help in the best way we know how-- this can help make way for hope.  

Resources

Suicide leaves major scars on those left behind in its wake. This blog is not meant to excuse or even attempt to salve the wounds left in such a tragedy. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal ideation or suicidal feelings-- please use these resources to help both them and yourself. What I have written here is not intended to be used as a course on suicide assesment or handling sucide or crisis in the moment.  This must be left to trained professionals in the mental health field, such as therapists or counselors.  If you are interested in learning more about how to deal with a situation like this, then visit Crisis Connections for their offerings and training.  These are of course just some of the resources that can be utilized to help both the individual experiencing the suicidality, and for you or someone who is connected.  All mental health issues must be taken seriously.  And we must treat ourselves with compassion and self-care too.  

https://afsp.org/suicide-prevention-resources