Loneliness

Loneliness has become an ever-mounting concern for many living in today’s world.  I hear the word both from patient in my practice, and on a regular basis from others in my life.  The feeling of loneliness is more familiar to me than I would like, and seems to have grown in its frequency in the lives of many.  Though we may live in a world that is more ‘connected’ than it has been ever before-- loneliness and disconnection run rampant amongst people from all walks of life, and all over the world.  Technology has improved our ability to communicate across vast distances, and has reshaped the way in which we define and see yourself and others.  And while these improvements have provided a plethora of positives, possibilities, and potentialities-- they have also brought on a host of existential issues that we must now address and wrestle with as a society.  

That said, the intent of this essay is not to debate the positives and negatives  of technology and social media,, nor address their influence.  The influence is undeniable.  We now live in a world that is connected virtually, and ‘always online’-- and we now have to decide for ourselves how we wish to move forward in this new paradigm.  My intention here rather, is to open up a conversation and a dialogue around loneliness itself as a concept, and the role it plays in our lives.  I wish to explore here, the impact of feeling alone in our lives has on our sense of self and place in the world and in relationships.  Though I have ideas on how to make meaning, and manage one’s own loneliness-- I won’t pretend to have the answers either.  My hope is to merely provide some questions, introspections, and curiosities and insights that I have made on my own personal journey with loneliness.  

The material shared here is based on my own experience and reflections.  Everything shared in this blog is from my own life, and nothing clinical is shared.  No musings from my clinical work will be laid out here.  I will not share any private information of others in my life, nor of patients’.  If anything resonates with you in this essay, then I hope it can be of use to you in your own journey and struggles.  

Loneliness, Being Alone, and Solitude

Before diving into the psychodynamics of loneliness, it is worth laying out a shared understanding for our purposes here.  For reasons of brevity and succinctness, I feel it best to focus on differentiating between three forms of being alone.  Though there are many variations and expressions of loneliness, the three I wish  to focus on here are being alone, solitude, and loneliness.  Being alone could be considered to be the soil from which the others spring forth.  Being alone at its base is essentially the state of not having others with you, physically or metaphysically.  Though, one could argue that we are never truly alone in a  metaphysical or spiritual sense-- there are moments and instances in life, where we feel as though we are completely alone.  And this is where we can locate the other two forms.  

When we think of solitude, we might ascribe that as a  state of being alone, and lonely.  And while one might feel the occasional pangs of loneliness while in a  state of solitude-- it is not defined by this feeling.  Solitude is a state of separating one’s self with intention for the express purpose of having ‘alone time’.  Solitude is a state rather than a feeling, and one that is consciously made by the individual.  Solitude is sought after to process one’s own feelings, focus on a task, get in touch with one’s self.  The solitude is restorative.  Regardless of your level of introversion or extraversion, everyone needs some time to recharge their battery and replenish the soul.  

Loneliness on the other hand, is a feeling.  Loneliness is an emotion that overwhelms.  It is not a state in which we consciously choose to enter and engage with.  Loneliness is either forced or thrust upon us by external forces, or internal strife.  It can creep up on us from behind, or it can wash over us like a tidal wave. We might become aware of our loneliness in a state of being alone.  Yet, we often become hyper aware of our existential aloneness when surrounded by masses of others.  Nothing quite draws attention to our existential aloneness  quite more than submersion in a sea of other individuals.  Loneliness feels like a degenerative condition that gnaws and eats away at the soul.  From heartache to heartbreak, loneliness never seems to be too far around the corner.  Loneliness feels like a threat to one’s own psychological and physical well-being, a terrifying prospect that  our future might be companionless, and a terrifying reminder that we all have to leave this world on our own.  

The Ill Effects of Loneliness

The bulk of research bears out many ill-effects of loneliness.  Life expectancy and negatively impactful health conditions can develop as a result of chronic loneliness.  Being cut off from community or caretaker’s has a profound effect upon one’s psychological mood and state, so much so that it has a biological side-effect.  Thos who already suffer from chronic pain conditions or chronic illnesses, also run the risk of their symptoms increasing when deprived of adequate social contact and engagement with others.  Loneliness magnifies one's own awareness of their condition, and thus brings a greater focus on one’s own  pain.  

The greatest impact loneliness has is on a person’s psychological well-being and mental health.  Loneliness is often comorbid with depression.  Whether it is a manifestation of the depression, or a generator of the depression is case dependent, and most likely the two are too intertwined to disentangle which came first.  Individuals who live with mood disorders, personality disorder, or neurological disorders often suffer the greatest from the negative effects of loneliness.  These individuals often struggle to connect to others who do not share their experience, and can be ostracized from groups and communities as a result of their condition.  The greatest tragedy is when they are cut off and isolated from the outside world and their loved ones in intensive in-patient treatment centers of hospitals.  Possibly the greatest tragic outcome is the heightened risk of sucide for those in the throws of extreme loneliness and sorrow.  Isolated individuals are much more likely to commit sucide than those with an adequate and healthy support network and system.  

The Lessons of Loneliness

So, what then can we hope to gain from loneliness?  Even from the very brief look at its ill-effects, it appears as though nothing of much worth can be derived from such an emotion or state.  I believe though, that there is a lesson in loneliness for all of us.  In order to find ths lesson, one must understand what drives their loneliness, disonnection, and sense of isolation.  

For some it is a fear of loneliness that drives their actions and way of Being-in-the-World.  The lonely person might reach out for others and companions in desperation out of an attachment injury from early childhood.  Afraid of being alone, or ending up alone, the lonely person then responds to the fear with desperation, seeking connection wherever they can find it.  This may lead to a person finding themselves in unfulfilling relationships that are transactional in nature-- or possibly even ending up in toxic or abusive relationships.  And if the lonely person is rejected, they will find themselves in a double wounding, both by the loneliness they already feel and teh loneliness that the rejection invokes.  This way of relating may lead to further isolation, and thus a person becoming further entrenched in their loneliness.  No longer reaching out, or suffering from rejection wounds-- the individual may close themselves off and cut off entirely from others.  

The inverse position is that in which an individual extends themselves to others to an extreme.  This type of lonely person often finds themselves locked in a pattern of socializing and  spending time with others to avoid their loneliness, or to avoid being alone with themselves.  This person may not even realize or believe themselves to be lonely, as they are surrounded by many friends and individuals, which gives them the illusion that they have no deeper issue underneath this way of Being.  And how could one know, if they do not allow for time alone that might be restorative or to make space to evaluate how they feel or where they are going in life?  This is the individual who has busied themselves with the everydayness of existence, and neglects to look inward.  Though I believe we could see this issue throughout human history-- it is here that we can see the major influence of technology and  modernity in this way of moving through the world.  Technology has us feel more plugged in and connected virtually.  Yet, we often are left feeling more disconnected when our lives are lived out through a screen.  Capitalism, and through its technologies, thrives on distraction and diversion.  It is the magician that uses sleight of hand to keep you from discovering how the illusion is cast, and how the trick appears to be magical.  

It is here that we must ask, what then is driving this behavior?  As with all matters of the heart, there is no simple answer.  Though, I believe that the fear of loneliness can be driven by an attachment injury, a fear of not knowing one’s self, or a deep sense of feleing unworthy.  Attachment injuries are born out of an experience or set of experiences in early development, wherein a caregiver or a significant figure either does not attend to the child’s needs, or cannot help the child learn to regulate their own emotions.  Attachment injured, while not limited to, often create a fear of abandonment, rejection, or even engulfment.  With a fear of abandonment or rejection, the individual may believe themselves to be unworthy of being loved or of connection-- and thus may hesitate to form dep and meaningful relationships, or find it triggering  and painful to be close to another human being.  Furthermore, they may believe that they are undeserving of the Other’s affection, care, or love-- and pull away or severe the bond before it becomes even more unbearable.  This may also get caught up in the fear of being alone with themselves-- for to be alone with one’s self, would mean to sit with one;s own emotions and pain.  And we are not taught, nor shown that this is an okay thing to do. And for those who fear engulfment, they find it terrifying to enter into a relationship, wherein they might lose their sense of self or sense of who they are.  Tus, committing similar acts of self-sabotage in relationships, or severing bonds in order to avoid the pain inevitable in growing together in relationship with the Other.  

Reflection

This by no means is an exhaustive list or discussion.   There may be, and often are a myriad of reasons for why we do the things we do.  Most of these driving forces often work in tandem, and it is up to us to tease them apart and see what feels right and true for ourselves.  Regardless, we must ask ourselves, why we seek out companionship, a romantic partner, friendship, etc.  We must ask ourselves with honesty and openness, if what we are doing is fulfilling and restoring to us, or if it is stealing from us and leaving us unfulfilled or happy.  If the answer to these questions leads us to the finding that we do not feel restored, rejuvenated, or fulfilled-- then, perhaps it is time to examine why we wish to avoid being alone with ourselves.  With intentional time alone and solitude, we can learn more about who we are, and discover what lies at our core.  We can in solitude find healing and restoration, through getting in touch with our true self, and becoming aware of what motivates and drives us.  I acknowledge that this awareness and intentional solitude is painful, and will open up deep wounds.  But that pain was there before, and only now has risen to conscious awareness.  But if we can learn to sit with and Be with ourselves-- we might learn to love and appreciate  who we are, and how to truly Be with the Other.