Depression as a Protector
When thinking about depression, we often jump to its negative and destructive attributes. Yet, it is my belief that there are positive aspects of depression that are overlooked when examining the topic. And while I am not here to make the case that depression is a phenomenon we should wholly embrace and make a regular part of our lives-- I do think it is important to look at as many sides and angles as possible in everything and every situation. The purpose of this blog post is not to make an argument in favor of depression, but see it in a new light. My hope is that, maybe through this exploration, you might gain a new perspective or understanding about depression, either in your own life or in the lives of those closest to you. Perhaps, it may even increase your empathy towards those who live with this experience on the regular, to whom which you may not relate to.
This article is based on my personal experience with depression, and the knowledge and experience I have gained through my clinical work. No information or discussion about any patient’s experience will be given here. In speaking solely from my own experience, I am thus not the authority on how you or anyone else experiences depression or related emotions and feeling states. This is an exploration, not an answer. I merely seek to stir and arouse thought and curiosity around subjects that often go unspoken to, and labeled as taboo or forbidden. This exploration is not exhaustive, and I hope that it sparks further interest, curiosity, and discussion.
Depression Manifested: The Deepest Hue of Blue
Depression has a long history within public discourse, and has entered into a commonplace understanding amongst the majority. The public understanding of depression differs from the clinical one-- as within the public consciousness, depression takes on a similarity and conflation with sadness and sorrow. While sadness and sorrow are common elements within the context of depression, the impact of said emotions and feelings are not brief, and debilitating. And that is not to say that anyone’s feelings or beliefs on the matter are illegitimate, or that only a therapist or psychiatrist can determine if someone has depression. Each person is an expert in their own experience, and will know themselves better than another. But, I believe it is helpful to separate sadness and sorrow from depression, as they may be the typical ebb and flow of life, and the general pangs of existence.
Feeling blue is a normal aspect and experience in life, and it is to be expected that everyone will encounter these feelings at one point or another in their lives. Depression in a clinical sense may take on the color of blue, but it comes in many other shades and hues. The deepest of depressions finds a base in black, the deepest of blue. The world around us often loses its vibrancy. In the lowest or darkest of moments and moods, the world might even be drained of all color-- leaving us living in a world of monochrome. The meaning of things, and the meaning of life lose their purpose and sensibility.
Depression is then characterized by this sense of lacking or futility, and is felt through low motivation and down-spiritedness. We see this manifested in many areas of our lives. We might see it via insomnia, or even hypersomnia. Low energy and little interest in our usual activities and pleasurable hobbies are common. As well as an inability to focus. We might even experience low hunger, a raised level of eating, weight-loss or weight gain. This is to say, that depression is not experienced or expressed the same with everyone, and these are only just some of the more common symptoms. Thus, any attempt to remediate or alleviate one’s depression is not a one-size fits all endeavor. It’s also worth noting, that these are symptoms of the depression, and signs of an issue that has yet to be understood or worked through. Addressing the symptoms can provide temporary relief, but the depression may linger and persist until the underlying issue is understood, made aware, and worked through. Sorrow and sadness may exhibit similar signs and symptoms, yet the severity of their persistence is less entrenching or encumbering.
Perhaps the most defining trait of depression, that distinguishes it from a general melancholy or sadness-- are the crushing and emptiness qualities. Depression can often feel like a weight or pressure enacting upon our bodies. It can feel like gravity pushing down on us with the force of an entire planet. Or it can feel as though we are weightless, without an anchor or gravity to hold us in place. It may feel as though we are carrying a gigantic monument or our past regrets-- or as though we have no sensation whatsoever. Suicidal ideation and thoughts may arise as an attempt to find a way out of the intense pressure. Self-harming behaviors may serve as a means to feel something, rather than feeling nothing at all. Whether we are over-encumbered or anesthetized-- depression is a great burden to bear alone.
Why This, Why Now, Why Me?
Invariably, the question always shifts eventually to a why. Why this feeling? Why am I feelings now? And why do I have to feel this way? And as I have already alluded to-- there is not one straight answer. The source of our depression could lie in a traumatic experience or a tragic loss. The origin may lie in the seeming hopelessness or despair over our current situation. It could be the burden or regrets crushing us, or the bleakness of our future. Whether our depression finds its anchor in the past, present, or future-- it cements us in place, or slows us to a grinding halt. And even when we understand the source of our depression, it can’t always help us to break up the cement. And in these instances I have found it helpful to reframe the why as a what.
Rather than asking why am I feeling this way-- we might ask what is our depression, or any feeling or emotion for that matter, trying to tell us? Emotions and feelings are our guide-- a biolgoical and embodied GPS system and compass. Depression like any other emotion or mood, is attempting to communcate something to us. And like the origin of our depression-- the message or lesson it is attempting to communicate may be multi-layered and a myriad of factors or aspects. The source of our depression may be a link or a codex for what the depression might be trying to tell us. Depression serves many functions, and can provide lessons which we would otherwise go on without ever realizing. For our purposes here, I wish to focus on one possible function and character of depression-- that of depression as protector or defender.
Protector
We often think of depression as an aggressor or an antagonistic force within our lives. And while it is antagonistic in the original sense of the word, as it often is, it is the bringer of change-- depression is responded in kind, with the same level of aggression. Equal to its severity and intensity, is the response to which we give. But, our depression may not be trying to attack us-- it could be functioning as a more protective role in our lives. Depression can function as an armor to get us through particularly difficult hardships, as a means to guard against the full brunt of the pain or suffering. It can prevent the worst of the worst from taking a hold of us, chewing us up, and spitting us out. It can build a fortress around us, as a means to communicate to the outside world that we need help when we cannot find the help or strength alone and within. But I believe it’s greatest role as protector, is to prevent us from committing harm to ourselves by way of repeating old destructive habits.
It might sound obvious, or even counter-intuitive-- I believe depression can be an attempt for our body and mind to tell us that it is time to change. Depression often feels like we are stuck in the same old patterns, or that we are a record skipping on repeat. I believe that it is this very repetitive feeling, or stuckness that is signaling to us that things cannot continue to go on the way we have always carried out. Things cannot continue to go on this way, and I need to make a change. We might be stuck in a job or career that is unfulfilling. We might find ourselves in a relationship or multitude of relationships that are unsupportive or non reciprocating. Or we might find that life is passing us by, and we feel stagnant where we are currently. The depression in these instances might be nudging us to look and assess our lives at present, and take action to change and grow.
In this sense depression can provide some clarity in its obfuscating haze. Yet, like any other aspect of life, runs the risk of becoming double-edged. We see this in depression that has become entrenched-- almost a second nature or depressed way of Being-in-the-World. Depression in this way becomes a shield or an impenetrable fortress that blocks all from getting in, and anything from escaping. In this state, it’s hard to hear what others are saying, difficult to locate ourselves, and a struggle to feel understood. The world becomes a dark place, with little light entering into our vision. And it can feel far safer and more powerful to stay in the shadows, rather than stepping into the light. In this way, depression becomes a protector that will not allow for growth or change-- only seeking to preserve, and uphold the status quo, as that often feels safest and least frightening. It might be protective, but also suffocating at the same time.
Conclusion
With understanding that this is not an exhaustive exploration of the phenomenon of depression-- we can still use this as a jumping off point for further reflection and introspection. I acknowledge that this may not align with your experience of depression, and it is based on personal experience and reflection. I can’t provide an answer as to what to do with this knowledge, or what a next step would look like in moving forward. Healing and recovery is not a linear process, and depression is no different. Sadness, sorrow, and occasional bouts of depression are a normal part of life-- and it is our task to figure out how to harness this energy in a constructive and transformative way. What we decide to do with our depression and pain, is solely ours to make. And I believe if we are able to stay with these feelings, regardless of how hard it may be at times, as opposed to ignoring and pushing them away-- we can find healing and transformation.