Acceptance and Therapy

Acceptance has become one of the most common words within our daily language, and it seems to be used so nonchalantly that one wonders if it has retained its original meaning.  The word carries a tremendous weight, yet is used so casually in conversation  I can’t help but pause and question the sanctity of its usage.  Words have power and influence over us, and can shape our experience-- just as our experience can shape our relationship to a word, and the idea of what that word means to us.  Forgiveness might carry a different meaning and weight to someone with a background that is religious, or one  of a culture that priorities and emphasizes the importance of such a concept.  Pride may carry a positive connotation to some, while a rather negative connotation to others.  And the phenomenon of shame will have a different experience from person to person.  Regardless of these individual differences in experience-- there are core essential features of any given phenomenon and word.  Similarities and commonalities emerge, and form the basic understanding of the concept attempting to be described and articulated.  And while it is not my intention here, nor is there enough space to elaborate ad infinitum about the vast depths of a concept like acceptance-- I do wish to describe in my personal experience what acceptance means to me.  And through this, possibly help to illuminate the edges of what it means to accept, or be accepted.  

My intention here is to explore the idea of acceptance, and to bring forward a conversation and dialogue that I feel is not happening in the public discourse.  I am not writing as an authority on the subject.  Nor am I writing to refute what you may already hold to be true for yourself.  I merely wish to open up a dialogue around a word that I feel is used without as much care or thought, as I feel it deserves.  Acceptance may not carry a lot of weight for you, and some might see this exploration as a semantic argument or debate.  All in all, I hope that this blog opens up new ways of thinking, or new channels for seeing yourself, others, and the World, that you may not have attended to before.  

Just Accept It

I’ve heard this phrase, and its many variations, to such a degree that one might not believe the number if it were to be tracked.  Just accept it, is probably the most degrading and demeaning version of this phrase.  A more compassionate version comes in the phrase, “you just have to learn to live with it”..  And while a majority of these phrases have their place, and are not inherently harmful or disparaging-- they do sneak in an assumption about our beliefs and attitudes as a society.  We see acceptance used in ths way in many contexts, from the loss of a loved one, all the way to how the system is structured in our country and in today’s world.  Whether we are dealing with a chronic illness, the loss of a friend, the death of a spouse, institutionalized racism, or the status of the political system and rhetoric-- we are told to just accept things as they are, and to move forward and move on in spite of the state-of-things.  

When we use acceptance in this way, it sends the message that we must take things as they are, and that we cannot change the status quo-- that we cannot hope to nudge the needle or move toward a better horizon.  This way of viewing acceptance is one of resignation.  Just accept things as they are, keep your head down, and push through.  Don’t challenge or take a stand against the current situation.  Just take it on the chin.  This resignatory type of acceptance has its place in our lives, and throughout history.  It has and can help someone to pick themselves back up, or aid them in finding the strength and resolve to carry on in  a seemingly desperate and hopeless situation.  Acceptance in this form can be a great survival mechanism.  But, acceptance-as-resignation also can venture into nihilistic territory.  Resigning oneself to their fate might help keep them alive-- but it can often lead to surviving, rather than actually living or thriving.  Acceptance-as-resignation allows for the individual to make some peace with themselves, without always coming to terms with what is happening to them.  And worse still, it can cause one to grow or become complicit in the perpetuation of destructive and violent tendencies, policies, and environments.  This form of acceptance is not always taking a stand, but rather, it often leads to us lying down.  Resignation can help, when there is truly nothing to do about a given situation.  But if we give up too quickly, or abandon all hope-- then progress and change in our lives, and in our world cannot be made.  

An Alternative Way of Viewing Acceptance

Though I am not completely opposed to acceptance-as-resignation in all cases, as I have just established.  I do believe that there are other angles and perspectives when it comes to acceptance.  Depending on one’s situation, they might even provide relief and greater peace of mind-- or even feeling whole with one’s Being.  While there may be many other forms, or various other shades and gradations to acceptance-- the two I return to quite often are acceptance-as-resistance, and acceptance-as-relinquishing.  

Acceptance-as-resistance, may appear contradictory on the surface as these terms often run counter to one another.  When we think of accepting, we don’t often think of resisting or pushing against.  The last association one would make about acceptance, is that it might emerge in the context of a resistance movement or an individual resisting their current situation.  And perhaps the semantics do not provide clarity, and only serve to further muddy the waters.  Yet, I do think that accepting one’s situation can occur while also attempting to change said situation.  An individual living in a toxic or abusive environment, might find it next to impossible to leave their situation at present-- while still making small gestures of resistance to the abuse or perpetrator of abuse.  And someone living with a chronic illness or medical condition might find solace in doing the activities they love in spite of what their medical condition intends for them. 

 I have attempted, and still do, to go against my progressive blindness as a means to live my life to the fullest extent.  Rather than giving in to the emotional hardship of my condition, or its physical limitations, I continue to push past and through these limitations and perceived boundaries.  I could let my blindness make my decisions for me.  Or I could make my decision despite my condition.  There are many things that are either incredibly difficult to do, or impossible to do altogether.  I may not be able to drive, or have a challenging time getting around an unfamiliar location.  But, I refuse to let my low vision and eyesight prevent me from exploring new places, or taking the dive into uncharted territories.  I accept my condition as it is-- but I do not have to let it rule over every aspect of my life. 

The third and final form of acceptance I wish to touch upon here, is that of acceptance-as-relinquishing.  My preference for this term lies in the essence of the word.  To relinquish is to let go,-- and historically it is used in the context of letting go of control or power.  Some may argue with the semantics of my usage of this word and while that is more than welcome-- it also misses the point .  While it might still sound like giving up to some, it is the voluntary aspect of letting go that strikes to the core of what acceptance is, both in a Buddhist perspective, and in the experience of the phenomenon of accepting.  When we let go of the control that we thought we had, or think that we have, we are then able to move toward our desired goal or place.  We are able to then move forward, and not be held back or holding ourselves in a state of tension and bracing.  And when we let go of the control we thought we had, we find the power that we do have, and always have had-- whether we recognized or acknowledged it at all.  In this sense, acceptance-as-relinquishing is an act of both letting go and embracing at the same time.  It differs from the giving up or resignation form of acceptance in that it is not passive or reactionary.  Rather, relinquishing-acceptance is active and intentional.  

Acceptance-as-relinquishing resonates with my experience in letting go and embracing movement at the same time.  In a similar move as resistance, I have chosen not to let my condition make all my decisions for me.  In this way I still retain power and influence over my life and how I wish to live it.  Simultaneously, I make the conscious effort everyday, to let go of the control that I thought I had.  I know that there are many things that I am unable to do, because of my eye condition.  I can let go of being able to do all of those things,  or not being able to do them in the way that Others can.  Yet, I embrace what I still can see and do-- and take it into my own hands to follow through.  I have had to let go of reading books in the traditional way, due to my sight loss. But, I have embraced reading books through audio, as a means to still live my life in the way that I desire.  This is just one small example, out of a sea of many that reflect the embracing and letting go nature of acceptance-as-relinquishing.  And I carry this intention with me everyday, and everywhere I go.  This form of acceptance is active and responding to a situation-- not passive accepting, giving up, or reacting to said situation.  Acceptance of this kind, requires our whole Being, and an active participation and engagement with ourselves, others, and our lives.  

Conclusion

Acceptance is not necessarily limited to these three forms, but they help to demonstrate the complexity and nuance within said concept and phenomenon.  Understanding how we use language, and the ways in which we use a certain word can illuminate how we move through the world, and our way-of-Being.  We don’t have to just accept things as they are-- we can change our situation, or change ourselves and how we relate to our given situation.  There are things in our lives that we cannot change, whether we like it or not.  And there are many ways of holding this fundamental and inescapable fact of the human condition and existence.  Ultimately, it comes down to how we wish to see, how we wish to relate, and how we wish to be.  Acceptance, like many other aspects of life, can be redefined based on our experience.  Acceptance, as with life, is shaped and influenced by how we choose to carry and hold it.